#190 –Chaila Renée Scott - A Conversation on Friendship

What exactly does it mean to share your hotness? We all have our own unique spark. We are burning out of control like a wildfire, attracting attention, but is it the right kind of attention? All around us are people who are campfires. They don't get as much attention, but their story, their signature spark, their heat that attracts us close to them Those stories need to be shared. On this podcast, we're sharing their stories, their stories of resilience, overcoming, how to find joy, happiness, everyday people who found their spark and made their life amazing. Hello and welcome to this episode of Share Your Hotness with your host, Leta Greene, and my guest today Chayla Scott. Now, before I introduce Chayla, which I hope I'm saying that correctly, okay, she— I just got the verbal nod, yes, and she's like, oh wait, wait, wait, I haven't been introduced. Um, I, for those who are frequent listeners to the podcast, I'm trying changing it up a little bit, doing a little bit of a different format. And so you would have heard Neil's thing on men's mental health, and now we're gonna go into a month on Friendship, and so I actually have never met Shayla.

I've already talked to her for a few minutes. You guys, I already know we're all gonna love her. But I put out a request on one of those Facebook things for what I was looking for. I wanted to have some deep dive conversations on friendship, and you know, here we are in the month of November, and you know, it's all about family and all this, and sometimes the family. That we choose is our friends. So I thought it might serve you all as an audience to have some content around how some other people have strengthened friendships or survived friendships or whatever, whatever it is. So, um, Shayla, I know a little bit just her little pitch that she gave, but I'm going to let you introduce yourself and then we can start our conversation on friendship.

Yes, thank you so, so much for having me here. I totally appreciate the opportunity to talk to you and your listeners. Um, as she said, my name is Chayla Scott. I am from the South, born and raised in Louisiana. I'm an author, I'm a mother, I'm a business mind and brain, and definitely a deep thinker. So I'm happy that I am here, and I'm also a cat mama too.

So, uh, yeah, Mom, how did you know? Did they—

I do my research.

Okay. I'm like, wait, did a cat walk by? You know?

No, I do my research. I like to know who I'm talking to. And so, uh, you know, definitely happy to be here, um, and, and speak with you all today.

Well, I love that you said you're from the South. Because I lived in Georgia and Oklahoma, so I can't— I'm not quite Southern, but I can actually do a little bit of a Southern accent, and it comes out different ways. Right now I'm doing Scarlett, you know? Yeah. But sometimes it's like, you know, Oklahoma, like backwoods, right? So yeah, but I have an affinity for the South. I have some great friends from there, and, you know, okay, so Again, when I put out the request, I loved what you wrote back because I left it kind of open-ended because I wanted to get an idea of how different people would interpret this conversation of friendship. And what you put forward is what happens when you change. So—

Yes.

Give— because you're— I mean, I'm just going to make a supposition here. You've up-leveled different ways of your life. With business, with writing a book. Not very many people do that. So I'm guessing it has to do with not just financial success, but changing dynamics of how you showed up in the world.

Absolutely. And it's been like that kind of since the beginning, which I thought— I hopped on this opportunity to talk about friendship because I feel like I could write a dissertation on it. Um, I was one of those kids that I was super inclusive. I didn't really understand, like, different dynamics of, like, oh, this one doesn't like that one. I don't even think I understood if somebody didn't like me because I was just in my own little bubble, and I wanted everybody to get along. And because of that, I got shut out a lot. I got shut out.

Here's the thing, I firmly believe Have you ever seen the movie, the musical South Pacific?

No, I need to see it.

Okay, well, there's your musical theater homework, okay, to go and see that if you need musical theater homework, everyone. But there's a scene in it where a gentleman who's in, who's in the Army or the Navy or whatever, and he's brought over to this island and this woman basically introduces her daughter. So culturally, He's, he's offering up his girl, which he's like, whoa, you know, that's like a different culture. Anyway, the mother sings this song about how hate is taught. Mm. And so like, why are you rejecting this culture, you know? Um, and you know, she's trying to seduce the young man on behalf of her daughter, which, you know, different culture, but You know, I that that song always kind of stuck in my head, and I believe that that you're saying you're inclusive. You weren't taught in your home not to like other little kids, correct? But if a child's being taught, oh, they're different. We don't we don't like them because I was the kid that you know was in the the truck stop, you know the. the poor kid in the neighborhood wore the boy clothes, and I could see the difference of what families were being taught.

Yes, you do see it. You do see it.

And so I was invited. Yeah, there's who were like, you know, your family has chickens, you know.

Insane. And it's insane how, how that begins to reflect and, and how we take these experiences from childhood and, and we carry them into, you know, adulthood. And so I just— I didn't really have a whole lot of friends growing up. Like, I had my cousins, but I only had one friend from like the 2nd grade. That one friendship lasted from the 2nd grade to the 11th grade. And then I had a new emerging friendship that lasted probably from my 7th grade year until my first year of college. And so like, those were like the closest and tightest friendships that I had had, but I still didn't understand why someone— and I don't want to give anything away— but someone who deep down inside maybe didn't like me, why they wanted to be in such close proximity to me. It's so weird.

That, that's hitting something for me because I'm having this thing where a friend that I've had for a lot of years is saying how frustrated she is with me. And she, she doesn't agree with everything I'm doing professionally, you know? And I'm like, if I'm this frustrating, why do you want to spend all this time with me?

It's weird. It's so weird.

And

like,

like, we're not required to like people.

You know, like, be friends with them, be around them, you know. And for me, I didn't find out till years later that those girls didn't like me.

Girls can be so mean.

Yeah, seriously.

Like, you know, the mean girl, like you brought up in our pre-call, right? You know, but it's like, um, you know, we don't, we don't want the mean girls in charge. Like, we don't.

No, we don't. We can't. We can't afford it.

No, we do not. We do not want that because they'll, like, to your face be like, oh girl, I'm totally in your corner, and then they're gossiping. I always told my daughter, if they're talking crap about someone else in front of you, they're talking crap about you to someone else.

Most definitely. Tell your daughter that is a million percent true. That's not just a momism. That is— that's true. truth teller. Your mama is speaking the truth. Because

I'm gonna have a little quote of you saying that. I'm just gonna like little audio recording of you like, your mama is telling the truth, you know? Because yes, yeah,

totally, totally. It wasn't until like— and it manifested in different ways. Now the friend— and, and I'll get into like my adult friend groups because that is also very interesting, and it taught me a lot about myself. But the, the first friend that I had from 2nd grade to the 11th grade, um, it was wild. So to, to sum it up, she and I were friends. I noticed that she would go after the same boys that liked me. So I wasn't necessarily interested in those boys, but she would be going after them, and I would be completely fine with that because I didn't I didn't like boys for a long time.

It was the 2nd grade. I mean, like, this is not a requirement at the beginning of this friendship that developed.

Right.

Well, this needed to be into boys, but it went to the 11th grade.

To the 11th grade. And this was when, like, once we got older, she started— I noticed, like, maybe when we were, like, in middle school and I had this new other emerging, um, friendship that was coming in. I kind of noticed, like, around middle school. And finally, in high school, she and I, we both had honors classes together. And I mean, we did everything together. She would come to my house over for the summertime and be at my house. She would live with us for the summers. And that was— we both ran track. And that was one particular day. I was like a diehard track athlete. You couldn't tell me I was not about to be the next Flo-Jo. Like, I admired everything about her. I just— I wanted to embody her on the field. Like, the way she ran, it was like she was barely touching the ground. Like, it was just everything to me, right? And so I'm trying to channel my inner Flo-Jo. So there was no way in hell anybody could tear me away from track practice. So she was also, um, on the track team too. Like I said, we did a lot of things together, went to the same church, grew up together, all that stuff.

And why was she living with you all summer? Was her home life not stable?

It was not. It was not as stable as we thought it was behind closed doors. Um, there was a lot of things going on that we weren't privy to until way after the fact, after she and I broke friendship, all those things. But, and we kind of knew because it was like you know, if you have a, a kid who doesn't necessarily want to go home, or a young woman that doesn't want to go home, you can presume something is going on. And maybe it might have been teenage angst, you know, because we were much older than, uh, like, you know, teenagers, adolescents, that kind of thing, when she was coming over for the summer. But getting back to that one fateful day, it was one day she and a guy went into the bathroom to fool around. And even though there was like kind of like plexiglass on the windows, you could still see from the field that there were 2 people that were doing something they weren't supposed to be doing from the field.

Wow.

And yes.

I have never understood why bathrooms are a romantic place.

Especially at school, right? Like at a high school.

I mean, like school, you're a teenager, but like Um, I've just never, never understood the allure. And there are songs you hear out there, and I'm like, if some guy wanted to do that with me on the bathroom floor— and, um, and I'm married happily— that has never been a place that I've been like, hey, let's go to the bathroom floor or the bathroom plexiglass. Yeah, you know.

Yes.

Yeah.

It would not— that wouldn't be the place for me either. And so like, clearly everybody knew. So the rumor mill started brewing, and by the time I got to high school, people were just looking for a reason to hate me, I felt like, because I was kind of like— I was different. Um, I was like— I found out years later I was like really envied, and I'm like, who? I'm a person. Like, why? I'm a human just like you. But people wanted to hate me real bad.

Because you like excelled at track? Because you were of color? Like, what, what made you different that they were all upset about?

I think it was all of the above. It was like I was so ambitious, whatever, because I didn't have a friend group. I didn't have a big friend group, and I talked to everybody. I was still inclusive. I'm still like that, you know. And so like the people—

I mean, you're willing to talk to me, lady you just met.

You're amazing.

Stop.

Yes. And so I would, like, befriend, you know, who the kids would call the quote unquote rejects or the nerds. Or even if I saw that a kid just seemed terrified, then I would befriend them because I knew what that felt like and I didn't want anybody to feel that way. I was like a mother hen from a very young age. And so, um, The rumors started flying around. Now, I'm— facts are, I'm on the field the entire time, but the school wanted to believe that it was me in the bathroom because she decided to plant the rumor. So it was a setup the entire time.

What?

Yes.

Dang it. You're like, I am not a plexiglass kind of girl. Yeah.

No, but it's— it was like The amount of people who wanted to believe that about me was so— like, it was almost soul-crushing at the time.

Your friend— if people see you with your friend and your friend's like, ah, you know, I tried to stop her, but you know, you could see why people would believe it because she was your friend.

Yeah, so she just, she just told people it was me. The guy who was in the bathroom with her was like, no, it was not Shayla. In fact, it was, it was not her. He was so adamant about it. He felt so terrible. He called me. He was like, listen— and this, by the way, was a guy that had a crush on me, but I was not interested in— and by the time I started dating—

Did he out who it was or just say it wasn't Shayla?

He didn't out who it was.

Which is classy on his part, but not the plexiglass bathroom incident. Was not classy.

No. And it got to a point where the school got involved. I got called to the principal's office. My mom got called, all because somebody like who I thought was my friend like wanted to ruin me. And I'm guessing from the outside looking in, she probably thought that I had like the perfect life, like doting parents. I could get whatever I wanted to. I had a lot of opportunities afforded to me. Um, for just being who I was.

Like, yeah, I mean, it sounds like a lot of those were things that were given to you in a stable family, and your, your ambition is, you know, a personality trait that was probably encouraged and things like that. And she chose— because I've been on the other side of that coin where I grew up in a wealthy neighborhood and I was the poor kid, you know. Um, That, um, I chose not to be jealous of other people. I chose to figure out how did they get it.

That's the smartest way to go about it.

And I don't know if— I mean, I'm gonna assume that was a God-given trait because not all of my siblings nor my parents— my mother, if she saw people with more money, she would just be like, they have a lot of pride. Yeah, you know, she would kind of label them as negative for having money. But, you know, I would spend time in their home as a maid And be like listening to how they interacted with their kids, and I'm like, this is different.

Very different.

Right? And so she made that character choice to be jealous.

Yes. And, and that was something that I had never really got detected off of her, none of that. So by the time we got to the—

There is a very very thin line between respect and jealousy. Because when I think about a lot of people who professionally, interpersonally, um, like initially they like, like me a lot, maybe too much. Yeah.

You know? Yeah. You gotta watch those people too.

But like this one lady in particular, I, it was a, a business relationship. I told her she was doing something incorrectly. I thought I did it in a professional manner. But it was a science-based product. Something about the skincare that we work with. I told her, you know, she it was incorrect what she was saying. That's all it took for her to go scorched earth on me. Went from like, you know, adoration, respect. I'm not I'm not even sure if respect's the right word. It's probably more like adoration, right?

Adoration, yeah.

To like that one conversation, like the next day I could trace back her, you know, she was— what she was doing that was poopy. And I'm like, so I knew exactly what happened. I basically told her no.

Yeah, yeah.

And after someone— 40-year-old woman.

Yeah, it doesn't matter. It does not matter. Jealousy knows no age. And I find that people will put you on a pedestal and they will want some kind of way to like knock you down. And even though you told her like, hey, this is wrong, instead of her being grateful for that information, it just affirmed everything that she was already telling herself about you. So she was telling you one thing on the surface, oh my goodness, I love you so much, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But then in the back of her mind, she was putting you on this pedestal and trying to figure out ways to knock you down a peg in her mind so that she could feel more comfortable with herself. And I find people do this time and time and time again.

Mm-hmm.

And so, yeah, by the time— by the time I got to the principal's office and she— the principal knew the truth already. But you know, they like to play good cop, bad cop. So she was like— and I have no— I could have— you know what, if I could go back in time to that moment, I probably would have shook myself and said, girl, wake up. Because I was still trying to cover for her because I didn't know where it came from. I didn't know who said it. I didn't know who said it was me. I didn't know where it came from at the time. So I'm still trying to cover for her because I didn't want to get her in trouble. And the principal was like, either you gonna spit it out or you gonna do suspension time too. And I was like, I wasn't even there. That's BS. What are you talking about? Blah, blah, blah. And I was like, fine. It was her. It was her. It was not me. Like, they could have went to the coaches on the field. Like, my coaches could have literally pinpointed me. I was in 4 events per track meet. So I was not— I didn't have time to be playing around with boys at the school.

You don't have plexiglass time. Yeah.

I didn't have time for that.

Yeah,

I told you, I'm trying to give me some scholarship money and run to college, you know. And so, um, that taught me a valuable lesson that proximity and intimacy are 2 totally different things.

Which kind of make me think of like when we're talking about access, not like you want to make people prove they have the right to that access, but what are they doing with that access?

It has to have a purpose.

I want to be on a scorecard with my friends, but it's kind of like when you look back, you're like, wait a minute, wait a minute, you know? Like, you start going back further and further, recognizing that there's, um, you know. And so I, I think it's, you know, where's that line of assessing if the friendship is still in a healthy place? And I would think it goes back to accountability.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

Everything goes back to accountability. So feel free to challenge me on that.

I'm not. I'm not. Because the thing about it is— and this is a great segue, I guess, into my professional life— what I've learned is that you can go into business with your friends. And you're gonna have a friendship persona and you're gonna have a business persona, and they don't always mix even though you're friends. And so at that point, I think it takes a lot of awareness to realize, like, do I want to risk the friendship over a business venture or professional development, or do I accept the fact that Maybe we're not good in business, but we're greater as friends.

Well, and I think that could work if the expectations are incredibly clear, which would require a lot of— I mean, you know, writing a contract out, you know, that kind of thing. Like, really, really clear. Like, this is what the expectations are. You know, we're— if, if I'm putting 5 hours in the business, you're putting 5 hours in the business. You know,

absolutely. You— and you have to be granular like that. And I wish, I wish I would have known that because like, I would say not too long ago, um, I had— I was in a friendship. I'm gonna say I ended the friendship. We're just not friends, and I know we're not friends.

It's different. Just kind of drift apart too, you know.

Oh no, oh no, Miss Lisa, it wasn't It wasn't a drift, it was a rift.

It

was a rift. It was a rift first, and slowly but surely— because when I first met this woman, she was one of the most vibrant, beautiful, inside and out people that I've ever met in my entire life. She and I were a lot alike in the fact that we are not extroverts, so we're not going to go out of our way to, like, forge a friendship. But if it happens, then it's, it's great, right? And it was great for a long time. And she and I were coming up on, like, a 10-year friendship. And during that time, I was kind of like the hot mess friend, okay? I always had a story about some man I was dating, you know.

Plexiglass man.

Not the play. Oh, no. We left him in high school.

Want to make sure since we're brand new friends, I want this boundary that there is going to be no hot stories. Okay.

No, I met, I met her through work and actually a mutual friend of ours connected us. We, we had one introvert in common. I mean, extrovert. We had one extrovert in common and she connected us and we just, we were connected ever since that, right? And we would, you know, at one point we were both single. Um, she was a little older than me, so she just had a little more know-how on how these things went. And, you know, we would laugh and we would meet up. Um, we met up for years, like same day of the week, same spot, for years, just to go over our lives, debrief, laugh about these men, and talk about a way to move forward. Where do we want to be? And there was no boundary. We could talk about anything, you know. And she— I considered her to be a sister to me. And I remember when my hot mess phase ended and I started to get myself together, uh, I wrote that book. Like you said, it's like, I don't know, you might be a little psychic, but I wrote that book.

Well, I might have just had similar experiences in the

sense,

you know, once you do something that's kind of different, people kind of reveal what they really think of you in a way.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

And so what do you think you're capable of? Instead of being, you know, cheerleaders, they're like doubters. And you're like, wait a minute, I thought we were You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that was my family and friendships, just to be fair, that my family just could not handle that I was evolving. So that's why I'm like, I'm just guessing, you know?

No, and that— and that's the nature of so many people. It's like once you have enough people relying on you to stay the same because they benefit from it In some kind of way, shape, form, or fashion.

Do that again. They relying on you to stay the same because they benefit from it.

Because they benefit from it. Absolutely. You know, so that was a lot of people benefiting from me having no boundaries or me having like these like just hot mess tragedies in love. And you know, it was a, it was a lot.

It was a lot that people You, you said you were a nurturer, and so even though you were a hot mess, am I assuming that you were also somebody who, like, when your friend called you, you were there?

Absolutely. I was the mom. I was always the mom of the group, you know. And so I would—

You could be a hot mess, but if you're always there and you're the reliable one to, like, you know, that, that's kind of fun to have a groupie, you know what I mean, for somebody who's feeling insecure, right?

Yes, exactly, exactly. And so I didn't realize that I was relegated to this kind of role, or what have you, of the groupie, I guess you would say. And the book— I came out with the book. The book was fine. Um, we actually went into business together. I'mma say that because I ain't trying to get sued. We went into business. I won't say what business, but we went into business together.

We'll not ask that question then.

When I became the vice president of a statewide organization, that visibility became a problem for her. So that was in no way, shape, form, or fashion was any of my duties toward what we were establishing. None of that was ever really like slipping due to my role. Um, and but I noticed she started a new business, which was fine. I was super supportive. I was so supportive that people thought that was my business. It was not. It was hers, you know. And I was like cheerlead, rah-rah, super, super excited because I knew this was something that she had wanted to do for a very long time and she was finally doing it. And I was like, oh my goodness, I'm so happy for my friend. And when she started her stuff, it was like all of our business we had together came to a halt. And then it was like, oh, you know, we would have meetings and, oh, I'm relegated to taking notes. Oh, you take notes because I'm just too busy. I'm just so busy and I didn't have the time. And I'm like, you know, you have just as much stake in this as I do. So me being the Pisces that I am. Because there was a lot going on with her, and I, I didn't want it to be a bad time to bring up these things that were making me feel very othered inside of our friendship and inside of our business relationship. And finally, I just said, you know what, it's never going to be a good time, especially not with her, because there's always going to be something else going on. So I just got to go ahead and rip the Band-Aid off and I told her about all the things that made me feel like I was being less and less included. We were communicating less and less. When, when we first started, we same-paged on everything. We talked about everything, we discussed everything, which was why I was so confident, because I was like, the communication is so clear, it's undeniable, we're super aligned on things. And I wasn't like dogmatic about anything when When I have an idea, I'm like, this idea can change, it can be better, it can be tweaked. So I'm not married to this one thing, and I want the feedback. And I would prefer, if I do have a partner in business, that we come up with these things together. So we did everything together until she opened her stuff, and after that, there was like this huge disconnect.

And I felt in your contract Um, in your communication, because you said it never occurred to you. Did you have like a back door that the friendship could exit the business and still survive, or just, just never thought that? So that maybe that's the takeaway for people is if you're gonna go into business with a friend, go down the what would we do if.

Please. No, seriously, because I, I wish we would have done that or had some type of contractual agreement. Or something that, that said if, when, then, um, kind of like a, a prenup or like a postnup for your business and friendship.

My husband and I, even though some of those things have altered from our newlywed days, you know, where we didn't really know what it was like to be married, but we had conversations when we were engaged of what if one of us stopped attending church? What if Um, you know, there was a nasty habit that was uncovered. Uh, you know, what would we do? And, you know, it wasn't, it wasn't about, I think you have a propensity to have a porn problem. It was like, I just want you to know I'm not gonna deal with that.

Right.

You know, so you have that be a deterrent if you ever think, you know, to do that. And, um, it's made me feel safer in that marriage friendship. Because I know that my husband's aware of my boundaries and I'm aware of his.

Yes, yes.

But, you know, we've, we've grown in our— what we don't do, you know.

Yeah.

For example, there was a couple we knew that thought it was sexy to refer to each other with swear words.

I don't like that.

And we'd never discussed Is this sexy to us? But we just kind of like, after being with them and hearing, you know, the B-word and, and, um, you know, for me, my swear word of choice is, is poopy. I am a trucker's daughter, so I've heard all the words. Um, but I don't use, um, mostly because I'm trying to follow Christ and I believe what comes out of my mouth is a reflection of what I'm feeding to my heart. Absolutely. And I don't like taking, um, the sacred profane. Right.

Yeah.

Anyway, so we just kind of looked at each other and we're like, yeah, no, right? Like, we're on the same page on this one, right? And of course, that comes forth, um, you know, but it, you know, it grows. And I, I'm wondering, kind of, kind of looking at some of the notes on what you're saying, is we're kind of like, okay, what's this line between adoration and jealousy that we might need to assess our friendships with? And then that there was an issue with accountability and communication. I think this one goes— yeah, it is that it's okay to kind of do, um, an inventory with your friendships. Like, how are we doing?

I actually do this every year. It is my favorite thing to do at the end of the year.

So with your business or with your friends now?

With myself regarding the people around me.

Oh, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm saying, oh, I totally agree. I do, um, I do a 6-month thing about my life, you know.

Love it.

And then of course quarterly there's a business assessment, but I'm, I'm just throwing out this idea of what if you set up with your friendships, are we still on the same page about what this friendship means?

And I think we should normalize that. I really do think that we should normalize that because life happens. Honestly, life happens. And maybe, you know, we've been friends for 20 years, but for the last 10 years I haven't been able to be the same friend in the same capacity because maybe my, you know, responsibilities have shifted. Maybe I have more stress on me. Um, maybe I've You know, something that completely doesn't happen.

I'm menopausal and I'm just not gonna put up with your crap anymore.

That part, that part too. So, you know, it's like people change for so many different reasons and factors unknown that are outside of their control that can affect a friendship if it's not being properly communicated. And I think in my case, there was a lot that was going on with her She was holding a lot and not really expressing those things when, you know, if anybody was the one to come to with all of that, it definitely could have been me. Because I've never judged her, not once, about how she felt or a thought that she's had or whatever. But for some— for whatever reason, she, she didn't. And I didn't know. I was in the dark about a lot of things. And I was just on the receiving end. Mm-hmm. Feeling like the odd woman out. Like,

I think I— and I'm exploring this myself, but I think there is this evolution that we have in our friendships. But I think particularly as women want to identify and even put blame where it can just be that we grew apart. It can just be that we want different things. Right. I have a friendship that I had for 22 years, and we had a lot in common. You know, we both like thrifting and stuff like that. But politically, I never hid what I was. I am— I was probably libertarian at the time, but I'm very socially and religiously conservative. Okay. I don't believe in sex before marriage. I, uh, I believe that marriage is with your spouse is to be the premier relationship. And, uh, you know, there's just certain social things that, you know, would put me in the tradwife category of today. Right.

Mm-hmm.

And because this friend also attended church, I maybe just am guilty of making an assumption about her values. Right. But with the current political environment. that I can't vote for someone who's pro-abortion. I've had— you don't know this about me because we're new friends— I've had 7 miscarriages and buried a child. So there is no part of me that's going to be like, yay, go kill a baby.

Yeah.

Because I believe it's a baby, it's a soul, it's divine from God, of equal value, of equal worth. I take 100% that every single one of us is a child of God. and equally beloved of God. And that filters into my politics. You know, I don't see— like you mentioned othering— I'm not gonna see somebody who looks different from me, behaves differently than me, and think, oh, that's an other. I'm gonna think that's a child of God. And she, you know, started being really anti-Semitic.

Mmm.

And I just can't get behind that as a reader of the Bible.

Yeah.

I said something to her around those lines, and I knew as I was typing it, I knew as I was typing it, I knew she— I mean, I didn't think she was going to cut me off, but I knew she wasn't going to like it. And I wasn't trying to be in a fight with her.

But you were saying, stating where you were with everything, right? Especially given her increase of making you feel uncomfortable with this you know, anti-Semitism.

Yeah, I mean, and she hates Trump, like hates him. And it was kind of concerning to me. It's like, I don't want to hang out with him, but this writhing hate—

It's unhealthy.

Concerned me for her well-being.

Yes.

And she has become where anything even like Trump adjacent. I'm sure when she reads the Bible and it says the trumpet of God, she's freaking out because it said Trump, you know, like she—

Oh, yes, not helping me.

It's not— again, you don't— I'm not saying you have to love him, but the hate of it concerned me, and I got looped in with that immediately because I happen to have similar feelings about Jewish people as Trump. You know, and so therefore I'm the devil basically now. And, you know,

wow.

You want to look and you want to assess and you want to ask yourself, am I ever allowed to disagree with a friend in the current environment? And do we allow our friends to evolve? Like, I feel like I've been pretty consistent about my— what she could assume of my politics, being that I'm so deeply conservative. how I live my life.

Mm-hmm.

That— is there, is there room for grace in that? And like you're talking about your friend, that it sounds like she also suffered from an inability to let you evolve independently. So did she wrap up that your guys's business success was robbing her of identity and she needed her own business success? Like Those are the questions that come to my mind.

No, like, we— it was always just something else, something else, something else she was dealing with. And it just— it seemed to be that the scales were tipped. Everything was happening on the outside. It looked like things were happening for me and looking up. And, you know, she was kind of finding herself. And, and I really don't know if it was all that it cracked— was cracked up to be for her with her business. Um, You know, we could fantasize about things, and then the actual reality of it can repulse us. So I don't really know what was going on, but I remember there being a very similar season where the shoes were on a different foot, where it was like, OK, I was down.

I think it goes back to jealousy.

Yeah. I was down, and she was up. And I was so happy for her, because I was like, if it could happen for her, it could happen for me. So yes, let's be happy about it. And I didn't— I felt like I really just didn't get that same energy. It was just like there was more and more more and more reasons to either, you know, not talk or not talk about what was affecting the business. And yeah, so it wasn't so much so that she felt like she couldn't. But then another thing was also within our business, I became the go-to person because she became so hands-off. Mm-hmm. So, you know, people would gravitate towards me, even people that she knew first that she would introduce me to, they would just gravitate towards me. We talk more. I'm more of a personable person. Like, I'm very like hands-on, one-on-one with people. And so yeah, like, if—

You know, I would have a business is when people are like, well, I met them first. And I was like, you know, we've ended slavery. We don't own people.

Hello.

Choose who they do business with, right? Because you met someone first doesn't mean you own them. You're not entitled to their business, you know.

You have to understand that.

You got to earn the business.

Absolutely. Absolutely. So I think it was a lot of factors, but I also felt like maybe she was losing a bit of her identity as I was gaining mine. And that was the problem. That was the problem. I was finding more of who I was supposed to be and where I was supposed to be publicly in the world. And that statewide, you know, leadership role, like, really put me in a lot of spaces and places with a lot of decision makers of the state. That was also around the same time that I decided I was gonna become a Louisiana lobbyist. So I was lobbying, you know. Yeah, love it, love it.

I love a politically involved woman. I think that's cool. You know, like, we haven't always had the right to have a political voice. And I think it's important that even if someone disagrees with me, that we're being involved and we're, we're standing up for what we believe.

Yes. And I want to go back to that disagreement because I feel like with my, with my friendships that I have now that are healthy and beautiful, I welcome disagreement because they are not telling me something from a standpoint of hurting me or trying to belittle me or trying to, you know, knock me down a couple of pegs. It's just like, no, this is where I am with it and this is why. And I always end up learning something from them and, you know, a different perspective. And so I look at disagreement now as a way to gain a different perspective because we don't have to agree on everything. We're 2 totally different people with a Totally different set of— sets of experiences and knowledge and wisdom. And so I feel like disagreement is an opportunity to borrow somebody else's wisdom.

I, I, I think that is a very good point because I, you know, we've talked about feedback, accountability, that disagreement is not a problem, it's what you do with it.

It's what you do with it and it's how you filter it. Because if I—

I recently had a friend who, um, reminded me of something that had happened years and years ago between our boys. And I'm like, oh my heavens, that was so long ago. But she felt safe in saying something she needed from the friendship because of how I handled that disagreement between the boys, that I gave her boy love. And I'm not gonna say what it was because I don't want her boy feeling, you know, like— I mean, if I, I hadn't, I wouldn't have even remembered it if she hadn't brought it up. Yeah. But I didn't go, oh, because her boy was completely in the wrong. He did something that was, it was poopy. And instead of just being like, you're a big poop snot, you can't be friends with my son anymore, I sat him down and was like, hey, I love you, buddy. What's going on? You know, and I think in our friendships, like, I feel like we keep circling back to that in this conversation, is it's no 2 people are the same.

No.

You know, that's never going to be a thing. And I've been thinking a lot about how they say diversity is our strength, and I'm like getting less and less where I agree with that. I think it's more of our ability to disagree agreeably is our strength, you know, because making an assumption that because of the color of my skin or how I have sex that I would think one way or the other is really treating me like an object, you know.

It's extremely presumptuous, and, and we've lost sight of how to humanize one another. Go on.

Yeah, I mean, and it's like, why would you assume all white people feel this way, all Black people feel this way, all LGBT people feel this way, all Christian people feel this way? It's like There's so much diversity, but, you know, unity in how we choose to communicate and how we choose to disagree. That's our strength.

Absolutely. Absolutely. And you know what I love about it is that we, we do have control over how we disagree. Like, I don't argue with people anymore. Like, I'm not going to argue with you.

You know,

if

you're a better person than I am, Like if you if

you want

to

come the rah rah, like I'm

I'm commenting positively on someone's post. You know that that I kind of know, and this person comes in and is like about it, and I'm like I don't even know who this person is. This could be like a a foreign bot for all I know, and I was like hey thanks for thanks for boosting this content. And I think you're a big idiot, you know, and all this kind of stuff. And I was like, thanks again for boosting the content. And they're like, you know, why are you thanking me? And I'm like, because every comment boosts the content of my friend, so thank you.

Absolutely.

And they, you know, come back. And so I said, okay— and this was totally jerky of me, I know this— and I was like, would it make you feel better if I argued with you? Would that make you feel more important? And I know that was super poopy, but I'm like, it's kind of a good way to handle it.

But there is a— it's a difference though. I feel like responding without getting outside of your body is really the key when dealing with these social media trolls, right? And so yeah, sometimes you have to— you have to give it, but give it in a way that's appropriate for you. That you're not, you know what I mean? That you're not like—

I do think silence is consent, and I get a little frustrated with this. People are like, you know, hey girl, you're supposed to be like this. I'm like, I'm sorry, you're defining my womanhood, my femininity, by I have to be submissive?

Oh, and that's— I like to get curious. So I wouldn't say you got poopy, I would say you got curious. Because you did ask the question, would you feel better if I disagreed with you?

I meant it to be a little poopy, so I'm gonna have to take account of that. I was like, would that make you feel better? That was my tone, even though she couldn't hear it, um, because I was typing it. But my tone was, would that make you feel better? So I was being poopy, and you've got to take accountability for our words, right?

We do, we do, you know. But still, at the same time, it's just like You know, sometimes you got to give people what they want, but in a way that's appropriate for you. Right.

Again, I get very frustrated with this concept, and maybe this is my own track history, right, where I have regretted the times that I just assumed the other person had my best intentions. I want to see you have my best intentions by your actions and your words.

Yes.

lining up. And

it took me a long time to learn that too.

Yeah. Like, do not tell me you're my friend and then be, you know, having, having plexiglass intercourse with, you know, the guy. You know what I mean? Like, don't be saying that stuff. Like, we have to get— especially when we're nurturers and we love people. And, you know, you use the word inclusive. You know, I was like, I wasn't in a position where I could be picky about my friends, you know, growing up. Um, and I think I was willing to accept anyone who accepted me.

Same.

Right? And so it was like, oh, okay, we're friends. And then we put a title on it. But was the friendship beneficial for both people? And I think as women especially— again, not saying we're all a monolith, right? But especially because we are more of the nurturing sex, right? That it's a really good trait as mothers that we get these little people. We didn't, we didn't special order them,

right?

Right. We didn't pick their personality. I was just telling my introverted daughter, sweetie, they're not doing this because they hate you. They're doing it because they're extroverts. To an extrovert, having a last-minute plan is exciting. Like, that's fun. So no, they're, they're not doing last-minute plans on you because they don't want you to come, you know. And so this stretches me as a person and stretches her as a person to have these different fundamentals of how we see the world. Yeah. And I think in our friendships, we as adults especially, we need to be able to have conversations of like, if we see the world differently, is that going to be okay? But making sure that not one person's just swallowing it with their nurture, inclusivity, kindness, and the other person getting their way.

And taking, taking, taking. Yeah. And to, to speak, actually, to speak to your, to your daughter's point, and also being a fellow introvert, um, and it's the same with me. If I, if I say— now all my friends know, don't invite me to no last-minute stuff. I'm not going. But if I say that, hey, listen, for what I have going on right now, I need X amount of days in advance. And if that still isn't adhered to, then yeah, then I'm going to be like, all right, bet. I guess we're not on the same page.

Communication where you know yourself.

Yes.

My 21-year-old daughter, this was like, what? Because she's on a study abroad in Spain. And, you know, and it was really sweet because within 24 hours, like, I told her to pray about it, have conversations. Without her even having to start a conversation, 2 different people gave her, you know, it's like a whole God answered her prayer kind of thing, right? But she's still learning those principles. And I think sometimes when you talk about these 20-plus-year relationships,

Yeah.

We've got to give ourselves some grace that relationships evolve and that they do have to allow for that evolution.

We all have to, whether we agree with it or not, whether we like it or not. It is other people's lives that they have to manage as they see fit, whether we can see the, the writing on the wall or not. It's just Again, like you said, giving people the grace and allowing them to make their own decisions. And it's easier said than done. It's definitely easier said than done, especially when you love and you care about people. But when people are also like evolving up and they're no longer like the butt of the joke, or they're not like— people are starting to take them seriously, like I think it's on us to confront whatever negative feelings we have about someone else doing better for themselves as well. So I think it's 2 sides of that.

Yeah. Yeah. Um, okay. So I had a friendship that she was always better than me. No doubt about it. Her family was super stable. wealthier. My family, my parents were the hoarders. It was obvious. It spilled out from the house. And years later, my husband and her husband were going to have the same degree. Hmm. And I was gonna go see her. And she was like, I'm just really struggling. And I was like, why? What's going on? Like, talk to me. And she's like, I'm just really struggling with that, you know, I've always been better than you. I mean, like, yeah, you you were prettier, but which like who cares? You know, like like really see you. She literally said, "I've always been better with you, so I'm just really struggling that we're going to be in the same class." And so I repeated it back to her. Yes, to make

sure I had you for that.

And she's like, "Yeah, I mean, you get it." And it was like. Um, I wasn't aware that there was a class system in America that was enforced by anything other than our own minds. And I would hope that as my friend, you would be incredibly excited for me that I am not marrying the same kind of dysfunction and having the same life as the abuse that I came from. Now, to her credit, 15 years later, she circled back

with some wisdom, I hope.

Yeah, she's, she's been great, but we're never going to be as close as we were because of those 15 years and her ideas that she was better. But, you know, she gets to grow up too, right?

Yes.

Yeah,

she does.

She's— she cheerleads me now, you know.

That's beautiful.

But I'm not— but I'm not—

I love your bravery.

What do you— the what?

I said I love your bravery, you know, in, in allowing her back to some degree.

Well, I mean, she gets to grow up. Like, there was this girl in high school that, you know, she was the mean girl, and then, um, And that's all I knew of her. You know, she was almost a caricature, right?

Yeah.

She got cancer 3 times. She's grown up big time. And she's actually the one that brings all of us that grew up around each other together. And I respect the crap out of her. And so it's almost made me question what I observed of her as a child, as a teenager. Because, you know, we all get to have our customized path of growth, right? And I may not be a good fit in someone's life and they may not be a good fit in mine, but we got to release them to the wild if we need to sometimes.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Okay. Go do what we need to do.

Yeah, we got it. Dang, girl, you were too fun. You were too fun. And now we got to go because I got a husband waiting outside being like, you're right, you're ready because we got, you know. So to kind of sum up, we talked a lot about the adoration to jealousy, and I feel like the jealousy theme came up a lot. Which really, from what you were saying, is that's a character issue with the friend choosing to be jealous, and we have to check ourselves if we're the jealous friend.

Yes, absolutely.

Um, you know, checking with, um, when visibility alters a friendship and being open to feedback and not afraid of disagreement. Would you agree that's a good summary of what we learned today?

Absolutely, yes.

Absolutely my new friend, because—

Yes, my friend.

Yeah, we, we— I love this conversation, and we could do this more again because you were so fun. And I want to thank you, Chayla Scott, for being on this episode of Share Your Hotness.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Thank you for listening.

This is Leta Greene, and if you have enjoyed our podcast and would like to learn more about the principles that I teach as a speaker, I have a special opportunity for the young girls in your life. So I teach maturation programs. I wrote a book on overcoming sexual abuse, and I wrote a book on confidence. And I've had a lot of parents— I mean, a lot of parents— come and say, I would love for your daughter to be my daughter to be coached by you, but in order for me to coach individual daughters. So I've come up with an idea of what we're going to do. I'm going to do a group mentorship and you get to come along with your daughter. So I will be presenting principles that you and your daughter are able to go home and have the conversation. So really you're the coach, but you're being given a conversation opener. So far I have 8 workshop topics. So if you'd like to have more information about those, They are literally only going to be $40 each. And even better, if you have 2 girls, that's $80. If you have 5 girls or 4 girls or 3 girls, it's $100 per family. I am not doing this to make a ton of money. I am doing this because our girls need to have the information, frankly, that I've been teaching for years. And I want to make that accessible to more than just the one-on-one That come to me and ask for my time as a coach. And because I'm— I have to charge money per hour, you know? So this way we're getting it cheaper and accessible and they can learn with others. And I'm hoping this will be amazing for everybody involved. So let me know if you want more info.